Expressing My Feeling Finally

Well as it says in the Title im finally expressing my feelings! Which is a good thing i guess, because if i don't its just gonna eat me up inside. Im tired of feeling like this, im always over thinking everything that i do, i feel like im no able to enjoy the things i like to do, i honestly dont think i enjoyed anything ive done. Its so stressful being me, im 18 now, things have been so hard for me, in highschool i didnt have any close friends, i even played sports too got mvp too, umm anyway yeah, ever since middle school i never had any real friends everybody always talked about me, people spreaded rumurs about me being gay, it got out of hand, im not even gay so i dont know how that started, i still wonder what i did to the people , to make them talk about me, i didnt get along with black people that well at school considering the fact that i am black myself, most people i did get along with where everyone, but most blaacks,i didnt act ghetto or anything, i was known throught the school, but it really wasnt for anything nice though,i do my best not to dwell on things like that anymore, im such a chill person but people don t see that, and when they do our friendships do not become any different it seems to stay as aqqaintances, i feel like i always have to do little thing to get accepted, when the other person doesnt,im not a follwwer either so i dress the way i dress its always been like this for me, even in college now kind of the same thing, but as i was saying i dont have any friends i had two close teammates but i never could hangout with them because i never had money, so that made use drift apart, also had a really close friend freshmen summer, but was the years went on we are no longer friends well thats the i feel, his girl friend is my aunt so i see him all the time. and know i have all these feelings in me and im tired of feeling this way, i do my best to put on a happy face, and its working but it also hurts, becasue its all building up inside me, no one to talk too, ive been through so much in my 18 years of life, and its been so hhard for me to accepted by the people that are surrounding me, im unhappy, not considering suicide, that'll show how weak i am. i so nice to people but when people start talking a bout me i get rude, i take things personal even though i shouldnt but its hard not to after everything ive had to deal with. my family has a lot to do with it. mainly my mom, ive been through so much with her, she had me when she was 16, and we where really close, me and my mom have been kicked out of my grandparents house so many times having to stay with her friends, and living in a homeless shelter for months, people teased me all the time, being kicked out so many time it was hard for her and me and my little brother, i stayed strong for the longest, and i sorta am still strong, but me and her arent as close anymore, my senior year, she moved in with her boyfriend, and i decided to go live with my grandma because it was closer to my school and he had 2 kids plus my little brother thats just to many kids lol, she just stopped doing things for me didnt give me money not like she ever did, dont get me wrong she bought me things but never gave me money. and she only have to buy me things, and i felt thay her boyfriend was giving her these ideas because he moved out his home when he was 17, and at the time i was 16 in my senior year, so i didnt ask her for money, or really anything, because she said she didnt have anymoney, i could have a job because at the time i played a sport for the state that she didnt pay for, but anyway now she gets on my case about not leaving the house and going out i told my step everything why i dont go and hangout, i dont have anymoney so why would i hang out if you wont give me any, so now she thinks she raised me bad, because i dont do the thing other teenagers do, half of its because of her working condition so i really couldnt do anything. evrybody in my family thinks that i have so sort of problem, because i never leave and im always play my video game, the people that i know on online seem to be nicer than the people that i do know. im just tired of feeling this way feeling like im never excepted and over analyzing,